Perhaps I’m Stronger Than I Thought

www.polkadotpoplars.com

I think we all have in our minds and hearts a plan of how we want our lives to go.  I know I did.  I wanted more than anything to be married and have children.  My second goal was to become a nurse, but it wasn’t as big of a goal as becoming a mother.  I did go to nursing school and was close to being finished but during school I got married and pregnant and I quit school because I was going to be a MOTHER.  I was thrilled.

Later, it appeared to me that my life was going as planned.  More children came.  I was able to stay home and raise them.  I baked bread, sewed clothing, kept my house clean, and tried to be the best mother and homemaker I could be.  Many viewed our family as perfect.

Things started to change.  As a military family we were required to move every few years and my husband was gone a lot.  A LOT!  As the kids got older it started getting harder for them to adjust with each move and making new friends.  We had always lived on a tight budget, but all of a sudden we started struggling and I needed to go to work.  These hardships weren’t terrible, but were the start of my plan taking a detour.

Working full time with a husband that was gone all the time was difficult and not part of the plan.  I began to notice the kids were needing more attention, but how?  I felt more stressed and I wasn’t able to keep up with life as much and do the things I enjoyed doing.  I know all working moms feel the same way.  But, I continued on doing what I needed to do and I was exhausted.  To this day I wonder how single moms do it all. I am in awe of you.

As a family we experienced many discouraging personal and family issues just like every one of you.  Some were pretty nasty.

Even though times were tough and things were not going the way I had planned I was still mindful of how blessed I was.  My four children were always there for me and a huge support but at this time they were teenagers and always going in different directions with their own activities. My husband who was working out of town more than he was at home has always been a hard worker and good provider.  We were healthy and had many great times together and an awesome support system full of family, friends, and neighbors.

I still considered my life to be fulfilling and happy.

Over time I was able to eventually move into a career I loved.  The kids got married (all four within two years).  Ha!  Grandkids started arriving and I realized for the first time that my life was turning out the way it was supposed to.  I was learning and growing in the ways I was destined to.  I was being blessed for enduring hard things.  But, intermingled with all the good was also the very bad.

Have you ever thought that if something bad were to happen in your life that you wouldn’t be able to continue or that you would just lie in bed all day depressed, or that you would go crazy.  I did.

I had always told myself that if I ever lose one of my children you could just lock me up in a psychiatric hospital.  I just knew I wouldn’t be able to continue life.

It’s been almost two and a half years since I found my 27 year old son lifeless and a victim of suicide.  If you’d like to read our story you can find it here.  As you can imagine it was the worst point in my life.  I really don’t know how I’ve gotten through; the first two years were a blur.  I know support from my family, prayers, therapy, and time have played a part.  I will never stop missing Jeremy.  I will never stop analyzing that whole day and wonder what I could have done differently.  I will forever be grateful to have been his mother.  But, you know what.  I realized that I AM STRONGER THAN I THOUGHT I EVER COULD BE.  We all are.  I did spend days and days in bed so depressed and weak. I didn’t want to do any of the things I enjoyed doing before.  I became a recluse in my home.  I felt lost.  Over time I started figuring out my “new normal”.  I began enjoying parts of my life again even though I did experience guilt for feeling some happiness.  (How could I be happy when my son was so unhappy?) Many days I felt like I was just existing, but I made it through.  I made it through to today.

WE ALL HAVE DIFFICULT THINGS WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH AND MOUNTAINS OF PAIN AND STRUGGLES SO HARD WE DON’T KNOW HOW WE’LL MAKE IT, BUT WE DO.  We do!  One step at a time.  One second at a time.  Some days its one step forward and ten steps back, but the next day we make it forward again another step or two.  Eventually the pain has healed and we look back and realize how much stronger we are and how much we learned from that very difficult circumstance.   And when future stumbling stones arise again we have our past experiences to help us get through it.   Wow!  Don’t you feel stronger with each and every trial?

To be perfectly honest there are times I wish my life had turned out the way I had it planned in my mind; all magical and perfect.  Looking back there are situations I would rather not go through again and definitely not having to lose my son, but I feel I am a better person.  I feel more sympathetic to others and in a better position to support others who are hurting.  I have a better outlook for the future and I am starting to feel the urge to make myself the best I can be.  I can continue to become stronger and stronger!

If there is anything I can do to help any of you who might be struggling or in pain please don’t hesitate to ask.  One of the goals of our blog is to build a community of people who are there for each other.

With love!

www.polkadotpoplars.com

Dru About Dru

There are so many things I could say but I will just start with the basics. Mother to 4. Grandmother to 11 (Yes, 11. All under the age of 9.) I am a former Army wife and we spent 15 years traveling around the world. It was such a thrill to have seen so many places and meeting lifetime friends. I spent many years working in the craft industry and love getting together with friends and creating. I have a lifelong love of thrift shops, antiques, and yard sales.

Comments

  1. Dru my sweet friend I never truly understood why you withdrew from friends during some of your earlier trials that you don’t mention here but that we have talked about…that was until my recent health drama. I fell into a deep depression and withdrew from everyone. I started to experience anxiety that I’ve never dealt with and really no one understood. But I have watched you all these years face one trial after another and you still smile every time I see you!! I love you for example and I appreciate this post more then you’ll ever know…we all need a reminder at times. Thank you!!

  2. i love you sweet lady. you are such an inspiration to me and someone i always know i could come to because of your experiences in life. one of the biggest blessings of the last year was becoming your friend. thank you for this beautiful post and for sharing your heart…i know that isn’t easy sometimes.:)xo

  3. I am so grateful for people like who are willing to share their stories. You’re clearly an amazing person. Your kids and grandkids are so lucky!

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